


Can't Let Go

by orul82



Category: K-pop, SF9 (Band)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Coitus Interruptus, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, F/M, Mild Sexual Content, Mild Smut, Post-Break Up, Regret, Self-Hatred, Sexual Content, Unresolved Emotional Tension, argument, don't be fooled !! there is just as much angst and depressing shit as smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-30 04:23:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14488719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orul82/pseuds/orul82
Summary: He knows Inseong hates him, and he doesn't blame him. Taeyang hates himself too.He hates her as well, but mostly himself, and the way he just can't stop running back to her all these months later.





	Can't Let Go

**Author's Note:**

> don't blame me, blame the anon who requested it.
> 
> this has also been posted on tumblr @sf9pentagoner, which is my writing blog, so if you've seen it on there (which I doubt) don't panic! it's me! hi! ♡
> 
> please comment with what you thought of this! i know it won't get much attention as it is because its not a member x member fic, but please show it lots of love! thank you! ♡

Taeyang crept towards the door, pulling on the door handle ever so gently. Maybe if he snuck in really quietly, they wouldn't realise he'd been gone. It was a stupid thought, of course, since he was the star dancer and in the centre too often to be missed, but he hoped still. He knew they'd ask him why he was nearly an hour late, and that was the last thing he wanted.

 

But, of course, the door just had to creak. Taeyang cringed. Eight pairs of eyes locked on him.

 

“Yoo Taeyang!” Damn it.

 

The words sliced through the silence. Taeyang froze like a deer in headlights, with that wide-eyed expression and his hair all messed up from regrets. He could feel each individual gaze, curious and piercing.

 

“Where have you been?” Inseong demanded, hands on his hips, though he already knew the answer. He stared Taeyang down with a mixture of anger and exasperation. Taeyang let his bag slip from his shoulders to land on the ground beside him with a heavy thunk. He should never have told Inseong what was going on. He took a deep breath and steeled himself, feigning a casual shrug as he straightened himself up.

 

“I was out having coffee with an old friend from high school and forgot about the time,” Taeyang lied, feeling nauseous by how easily he could twist the truth now. “I’m sorry.” That part wasn't a lie. He really was sorry, in too many ways to count.

 

The other members nodded amongst themselves. It seemed a reasonable excuse to them, and Taeyang had never been the best at punctuality, especially recently. But Inseong was hardly fooled. He rolled his eyes.

 

“Taeyang, it's really getting to be a burden with you being so late to all of our practices. Please tell me what you were talking about with this friend of yours that made you an hour late,” Inseong said.

 

“School things. You know, what happened to everyone after graduation and what they're doing now. Nothing important to you.”

 

Inseong looked like he wanted to press the matter further, but he noticed all the others watching them curiously and thought better of it. He forced himself to smile and nod and moved back into the group, sliding into his position for the dance, though his eyes conveyed that this conversation was far from over.

 

“Alright, everyone, let's keep going,” he called. “Taeyang-ah, would you be so kind as to join us? We have a comeback to prepare for.”

 

Taeyang swallowed, trying to clear his throat. He moved into the formation, taking up his place in the centre. A hand suddenly landed on his back, making him jump in shock, and Jaeyoon leaned down to whisper something in his ear.

 

“I'm not sure what's up with you but if you want to tell me I'll listen, okay?” he said, ending it with a soft smile. Taeyang nodded, the lump in his throat returning stronger. He didn't deserve this. He'd gone against their pleas and done exactly what they'd persuaded him not to. He really couldn't talk to any of them about it. Inseong’s reaction just proved it.

 

He squeezed his eyes shut, boiling tears gathering between his lids, threatening to escape. He was a terrible person, hardly worthy of such caring and supportive friends. He hated lying to them and he hated himself for it and he hated her and he hated his addiction to it. It disgusted him; the way he was so powerless every time she texted him, the absolute control she had over his inhibitions and how she knew exactly which buttons to press. She had him ruined, and this was what the guys had tried to warn him about. This was why Inseong looked at him with that harsh leer.

 

The music began, tearing him from his pity party, and he was grateful for the opportunity to put his mind away. He focused everything on getting the movements right, and for a few small minutes, he had no troubles. It felt like any other day before the girl had come in; just him and the rest of SF9, practising and practising until everyone could do it perfectly. It seemed like Inseong felt the same - there was even a point where he smiled at Taeyang and Taeyang smiled back.

 

The last note echoed through the room, and the spell broke. Everything rushed back to him, and he felt dizzy. His vision blurred in and out of focus and his stomach churned. He broke away from the group, mumbling apologies under his breath and stumbling towards the door. He ignored their calls for him to come back. Without breaking his stride, he reached down to swing his bag up over his shoulder again and he pushed through the doors, turning left down the hallway.

 

He all but slammed into the bathroom door, and he locked himself into a cubicle. He wasted no time before whipping out his phone and opening up the messaging app to her contact. Hurried and shaking fingers typed out an almost incoherent yet clearly desperate message, and he barely hesitated before smashing the send button. 

 

He needed a distraction, and he needed it right now. He had to forget about his mistakes, even if that meant making more.

 

It was as if she had been waiting for him to text. His phone dinged with an incoming message after barely a minute, and he scrambled to open it, like a starved child who had been handed a bar of chocolate.

 

“ _ I’m waiting _ ,” was all it said, but that was the only invitation Taeyang needed. He sprung to his feet, nearly dropping his phone in the toilet as he rushed to slide it into his pocket. He all but ran from the bathroom and danced with impatience as he waited for the elevator. He knew he'd likely be getting some strange looks from the staff, but that was the last thing he cared about.

 

It was only lucky that her apartment was not too far from the FNC Entertainment building, and he could jog there quite quickly. He ignored the chill of the late winter air biting his ears. 

 

When he got to her apartment, she was already by the door, looking like a classic seductress in nothing but a crushed velvet robe tied loosely at the waist. The sight was familiar to him, yet just as alluring as ever, and he couldn't help the way he felt his whole body react. It felt cruel, the way she looked down her nose at him with that perfect and knowing smile. He felt a magnetic pull to move closer to her, and he couldn't help but obey it.

 

There were no words spoken. There never was, at the start of their rendezvous. It would only leave space for contemplation and consideration, and that could easily lead to Taeyang coming to his senses, and neither of them wanted that.

 

Taeyang grabbed her face in his hands and brought it to his, mashing their lips together in a kiss as passionate as it was painful. It was messy and disgusting, but that was how they did things. Her slender fingers closed around the collar of his shirt and she dragged him into her apartment, kicking the door shut behind him before slamming his back into it. The polished wood creaked a little with the impact. He groaned, head falling back as she made to immediately tear his shirt off, discarding it somewhere across the room. She raked her fingernails down his exposed chest and he shivered, savouring the pain. It was a fair punishment for his sins.

 

He shouldn't be here, a little voice in the back of head gleefully reminded him. He broke up with her three months ago, but he never broke his addiction to her body, and she never said no, and now it was a terrible, tangled mess he just couldn't find the strength to free himself from. He'd blame on her, but he knew it was all his fault. He was the one who had texted her first, only a few weeks after he'd ended it. He hated how needy and desperate she made him feel, but he craved her.

 

She rose up on her toes to kiss him again, no less needy than the first. Hands tangled in each other's hair, twisting and tugging and tearing guttural groans from their throats. Somewhere amongst it all, she had begun to slowly gyrate her hips against his, and the pleasure it solicited sent electricity curling around his spine. Her mouth broke away from his, now latching onto his neck to pepper the sensitive skin there with little love bites, and his head spun into overdrive.

 

He let his hands slide from her head, following the curves of her body to rest below her hips. His fingers dug into the luxurious fabric covering her body, kneading the soft flesh underneath. She purred against his neck, and his eyes nearly rolled back in his head from the mere stimulation. He began to guide her lower body to move against him more harshly, moaning loudly. The girl’s mouth fell away from his neck as she gasped at the friction. Her nails threatened to tear the skin on his back.

 

When she regained control, she slipped her hands between them, deftly undoing his pants as she'd done a million times before, letting them slide down his legs. She left a hand there, palming roughly at his crotch as the other fiddled with the ribbon holding her robe shut. As it slipped open, Taeyang couldn't help but stare at her figure, just as rapt by her beauty now as he had been the very first time.

 

Luck was evidently not on Taeyang's side today, because suddenly SF9’s debut song was blaring from his phone and he snapped back to reality. He nudged the girl away from him, swiftly pulling his pants back up and snatching his phone from his pocket. He gritted his teeth as he pressed the answer button, preparing for a verbal assault.

 

“Where the hell did you run off to?!” Inseong yelled into the phone, not missing a beat after Taeyang picked up. Taeyang closed his eyes and leaned back against the door.

 

“I'm sorry,” was all Taeyang could think to say. His voice cracked on the last syllable, and Inseong seemed to decide against whatever lecture he'd been about to give. Taeyang repeated himself, now looking around for wherever his shirt had fallen.

 

“It's okay, Taeyang. Do you need anyone to pick you up? You need to come back. I think you nearly gave Youngbinnie a heart attack,” Inseong said, his voice now gentle and soothing.

 

“I'm fine. I'm not that far. I'll… I'll walk back. Stop worrying about me,” Taeyang said quietly, finally locating his shirt. “Give me ten minutes, alright?”

 

“Alright,” Inseong echoed, hanging up.

 

Taeyang sighed into the silence. The girl only watched passively from beside the door as he slid his shirt back over his head. He made his way to open the door and leave past her, but she wrapped her long fingers around his wrist and he paused. He might as well indulge her, should this be the last time they meet.

 

“So. You're leaving me again,” she said, matter-of-factly, like she expected nothing else. It made Taeyang feel even guiltier for doing this to her.

 

“Yes,” Taeyang replied, refusing her attempts to make eye contact. He focused instead on fixing his hair and clothes.

 

“You'll be back,” she said in that knowing voice. “You always are.”

 

Taeyang shook his head, taking that last step out of her apartment. “No, I won't.”

 

But as he closed that door behind him, leaving her there, he had to wonder if this really was the end.

**Author's Note:**

> if you enjoyed this or want more, please press that kudos button!


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